Mahmoud Khalil’s Career Opportunities

Potential Career Opportunities for Mahmoud Khalil upon Deportation

Because Gaza Doesn’t Even Have a McDonald’s Anymore and Hamas is Closed

Deported, Degree’d, and Disillusioned: Mahmoud Khalil Returns to Gaza With a Columbia Diploma and Zero McDonald’s

GAZA STRIP— For most recent college graduates, deportation isn’t part of the post-grad plan. But Mahmoud Khalil isn’t most graduates. With a political science degree from Columbia University, an Instagram page full of protest selfies, and a one-way ticket stamped “No Reentry” by U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, Khalil now finds himself back in Gaza—armed with theoretical knowledge and absolutely no market for it.

“I asked the border agent if I could at least get a job at McDonald’s when I land,” Khalil said. “He laughed and said, ‘Son, even Ronald McDonald packed up and left.’”

That’s correct. Gaza’s last McDonald’s left in 1999, shortly after realizing fries don’t pair well with frequent airstrikes.

So, what’s next for Khalil in a place that has neither drive-thrus nor Wi-Fi that doesn’t lag during drone flyovers?

As part of our “Help a Deported Ivy Leaguer” outreach initiative, Surf Revolt Magazine has compiled a satirical but informative look at Khalil’s new Gaza job prospects. Spoiler alert: Goldman Sachs is not hiring in Rafah.

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1. Failed Revolutionary Consultant: The TED Talk Nobody Asked For

Khalil’s first and most obvious opportunity lies in turning failure into billable insight. After all, who better to coach aspiring radicals than someone who got caught doing it?

“I have the passion, the slogans, the Che Guevara shirts—just not the operational discipline,” Khalil admitted in his resume cover letter to Hamas.

Sample Workshop Titles:

• “Radical Chic, Deportation Bleak: A Memoir”

• “Hashtag Intifada: When Social Media Activism Leads Directly to ICE”

• “Don’t Get Caught: Five Easy Steps I Forgot to Follow”

Unfortunately, Hamas declined to respond, citing “a strict no-moron policy.”

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2. Tunnel Tour Guide: Gaza’s Only Career with Upward and Downward Mobility

Thanks to a robust network of underground tunnels—used for everything from transporting goods to smuggling awkward cousins—Khalil may find work leading tourists through Gaza’s most exclusive subterranean experiences.

“We used to run weapons,” said local tunnel manager Abu Latif. “Now we run Instagrammers looking for ‘vibe lighting.’”

Khalil’s elite education and extensive experience navigating Columbia’s bureaucracy make him uniquely suited to explaining how to smuggle a goat, a refrigerator, and your mother-in-law in a single trip.

Possible Slogan: “Come for the geopolitics, stay because the ceiling caved in.”

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3. Startup Founder: McDeported’s—Fast Food for the Nationless

Without any American chains to serve as cultural markers (or employers), Khalil has begun conceptualizing his own culinary empire. “McDeported’s” will serve nostalgia-drenched items like the “No Visa Veggie Burger,” “Asylum Seeker Shake,” and “Deportation Double.”

He’s even pitched it to Gaza’s entrepreneurial incubator, which consists of one guy in a shed with a 1997 fax machine.

Business Model:

• 90% satire

• 10% hummus

The Ministry of Agriculture has already denied a zoning permit after discovering his fries were metaphorically salted with tears.

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4. Conflict Influencer: War Zone, But Make It Fashion

TikTok trends may come and go, but nothing pulls views like conflict-zone content. Khalil is now pivoting to influencer work, chronicling daily life in Gaza with titles like:

• “Morning Routine: Wake Up, Dodge Drone, Rinse, Repeat.”

• “Get Ready With Me: IED Casual Friday Edition.”

• “Palestinian Duolingo: Learning Hebrew Through Yelling!”

His first post went viral after a donkey chewed through his Wi-Fi router mid-livestream.

Follower Count: 112,000 (109,000 bots, 3 from his extended family in Canada)

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5. Certified Rock-Throwing Instructor: With an Ivy League Twist

If there’s one thing Gaza is known for, it’s the ancient-yet-evergreen art of throwing rocks at things much bigger and much scarier. Khalil is already offering evening classes on “Tactical Accuracy,” “Historical Symbolism,” and “How to Yell While Throwing Without Spraining Your Larynx.”

Guest Lecturers:

• A retired PLO protestor

• A local teen named Firas with a 97% window hit rate

Columbia alumni have been slow to endorse the program.

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6. Gaza Dating Coach: Love Under Occupation

With dating apps mostly non-functional and chaperones often armed, romance in Gaza is trickier than a two-state solution. But Khalil is launching a new consulting firm called “Love Under Fire,” offering relationship advice based on Western emotional theory and Eastern maternal guilt.

Top Coaching Topics:

• “10 Halal Ways to Ask Someone’s Hand Without Dying”

• “Ghosting When There’s No Electricity Anyway”

• “Love Languages: Sarcasm, Guilt, and Sharing Your UN Rations”

Khalil has already hosted a successful speed-dating event. One match ended in engagement. Another ended in a border raid.

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7. Stand-Up Comedian: Laugh or You’ll Cry (and Then Still Get Bombed)

Khalil has taken to local comedy clubs—or what passes for them, i.e., a dark room with a microphone and three dudes chewing sunflower seeds—to share his unique perspective as a deported Ivy Leaguer in a territory with no Starbucks.

Sample Bits:

• “I told my mom I majored in political science. She said, ‘You mean unemployment with opinions?’”

• “At Columbia, I marched for Palestine. In Gaza, I march for potable water.”

His mother has disowned him, but he’s booked solid through Ramadan.

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8. Donkey-Based Uber: Introducing DonkeyDash

In a place where fuel is rare and gas stations double as missile targets, Khalil has launched Gaza’s most innovative transit service: DonkeyDash.

Features:

• No surge pricing (only surge potholes)

• GPS guided by whichever donkey seems the most alert

• Rides come with mandatory political monologue from the driver

App Review:

• “Five stars. Driver spoke fluent Marxist theory, only one tire fire en route.” — User: HudaK92

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9. Explainer-in-Chief: U.S. Immigration Policy for Dummies, by Someone Deported by It

Given that nobody in Gaza understands why America grants you asylum just long enough to revoke it when it’s inconvenient, Khalil has volunteered to explain the finer nuances of the U.S. immigration system.

Example Topics:

• “What is ICE, and Why Are They Allergic to Palestinians?”

• “You Can Protest, But Not That Hard: An American Tale”

• “Deportation vs. Graduation: A Comparative Study”

He’s available for weddings, funerals, and very confused high school civics classes.

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10. Kite-Making Artisan (Non-Combustible Division)

With the skies often closed to anything not military or pigeon-shaped, Khalil is turning to traditional arts: kite-making. He’s vowed to make “non-threatening kites that fly without exploding.”

Each one comes with uplifting messages like:

• “My GPA Was Higher Than My Asylum Odds!”

• “Fly Me to Tel Aviv—But Gently!”

The UN has placed a bulk order. For morale, not mobility.

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11. The Palestinian DMV Internship: A Kafkaesque Nightmare in 5 Languages

Khalil briefly interned at the Gaza Department of Motor Vehicles, which, contrary to popular belief, does exist—though it issues driver’s licenses in between electricity blackouts and Israeli flyovers.

“I wanted to bring some New York efficiency to the system,” Khalil said. “So I created an online scheduling app that went viral—for about 17 minutes, until a missile hit the server.”

Daily Responsibilities:

• Sorting registration papers for non-existent vehicles

• Explaining to applicants why “camel permits” are not under his jurisdiction

• Updating the “Number of Days Without a Bureaucratic Collapse” sign (currently at zero)

He was let go after he accidentally approved a tank disguised as a Honda Civic.

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12. Resistance NFT Seller: Web3, but Make It Shoddy and Seditious

Determined to merge Gaza’s struggle with crypto culture, Khalil has launched a digital art collection called “Mintifada”—a play on “intifada” and “minting,” because nothing says revolution like monetized pixels.

Featured NFTs Include:

• “Molotov Monkey #213: Holding a Latte”

• “Crypto Checkpoint Goat: Rare Skin Edition”

• “Elon Musk Wearing a Keffiyeh”

Unfortunately, Khalil forgot that there is virtually no functioning blockchain access in Gaza. “It’s hard to decentralize resistance,” he sighed, “when the only nodes are rocks and disillusionment.”

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13. Official Apologizer to the Resistance: “Sorry I Got Caught, Guys”

Having embarrassed several Gaza-based militant factions by getting deported before he could be of any actual use, Khalil has taken on the role of official apologizer.

Sample Public Statements:

• “To the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine: my bad.”

• “To the Resistance Youth League: I meant to memorize the safe house map, but midterms got in the way.”

• “To Hezbollah: I realize now that tagging your name in tweets wasn’t ‘operational support.’”

He now issues weekly apology newsletters from an abandoned falafel stand.

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14. Security Checkpoint Magician

“Nothing up my sleeve! Just international law violations!” Khalil now performs weekly magic shows at Gaza border checkpoints to lighten the mood and distract from the total collapse of civil order.

Magic Tricks Include:

• Making paperwork disappear from bureaucrats’ desks

• Pulling job offers out of empty envelopes

• Disappearing himself emotionally whenever someone mentions student loans

Reviews have been mixed.

One soldier’s review: “He made me laugh once. Then we both cried.”

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15. United Nations “Hope Consultant”: Helping You Accept There Is None

In perhaps his most honest role yet, Khalil has been contracted by the UN’s Gaza operations as a “Hope Consultant,” a job that mostly involves walking into rooms, sighing, and handing people ration coupons with motivational quotes like:

“When one door closes, it’s probably due to shelling.”
“Dream big… but not bigger than your tent.”

New Program:

• “Therapeutic Disillusionment Circles”: Participants sit in a circle and recall all the ways peace talks fell apart. There is crying. Occasionally hummus.

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What the Funny People Are Saying about 

“Getting deported to Gaza after Columbia is like getting your Harvard MBA and opening a lemonade stand in Chernobyl.”
— Dave Chappelle

“This guy majored in political science and expected a job? That’s like majoring in mime and wondering why no one hears you.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“If ICE is deporting people this dumb, maybe America is turning a corner.”
— Chris Rock

“He left the U.S. to ‘make a difference’ in Gaza. He made one alright: unemployment just got more competitive.”
— Ron White

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Helpful Content for Surf Revolt Readers:

How to Avoid Mahmoud’s Fate: A Guide for Well-Intentioned Ivy League Radicals

1. Do Not Live-Stream Your Revolution:
   The algorithm may love it, but so does ICE.

2. If You’re Going to Join a Militant Group, Don’t Put It on Your Resume:
   Even if it’s formatted as “Community Organizer, 2022–2023.”

3. Don’t Rely on Columbia’s Career Services:
   “We support your values” is not the same as “We’ll bail you out.”

4. Avoid Quoting Fanon to Border Agents:
   They prefer you stick to “Yes, sir” and “No, ma’am.”

5. Have a Backup Plan:
   Like goat herding. Or interpretive dance. Or hiding in Canada.

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Closing Reflection: The Illusion of Exported Idealism

In the end, Mahmoud Khalil’s journey is a cautionary tale for every overzealous, kombucha-drinking, sophomore seminar-attending radical who believes that tweeting about injustice is the same as preparing for the consequences of confronting it.

“I came to Gaza thinking I’d be a hero,” he said, swatting flies away from his homemade falafel stand. “Now I just want stable Wi-Fi and one conversation where someone doesn’t ask me what the hell Columbia is.”

He sighs, takes a sip from a mug that says “Free Palestine, Hire Mahmoud,” and turns back to the UN counselor assigned to guide him through “emotional recalibration.” She offers him a small sticker that says “You Tried.”

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This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer.